I am not going to lie; I lost my shit last week. If I have given the impression of coming to a Caribbean island and suddenly becoming Zen and learning to let go, I apologize. This past weekend was the first time in Barbados that I wondered if I could do this – the move by myself to a foreign country in the middle of a pandemic. It took a pit crew to support me through it.
I have struggled with loneliness my entire adult life, yet this is the third time that I have moved overseas, the second time on my own knowing only one other soul. Loneliness and wanderlust are the two forces in my life vying for my attention. This is part of who I am.
When I returned from Ireland, which ironically was the one time I moved overseas with someone, the darkness that I felt for decades overwhelmed me and I knew that it was time to get help. I found Suzanne and worked with her for a year in therapy. She changed my life by helping me understand that darkness and where it came from. For that, I will always be grateful.
When Suzanne left Ottawa to move home to Vancouver, she referred me to Susan. That was over ten years ago, and I saw Susan this afternoon by Zoom. I would say that Susan has become more of a spiritual guide to me.
The point of this blog really is to say that I did not land in Barbados ready to listen to the universe and change my life. I landed here with Susan on the other end of Zoom, with the foundation that Suzanne built, and the support of my friends.
For anyone who has felt that “this is too hard,” I understand. Saturday night after a week dealing with the uncertainty and ash cloud of the volcano eruptions and ending with a COVID vaccination and friends leaving the island, I sat alone in my apartment and thought that I could no longer do this on my own. At risk of sharing my misery with someone, I phoned my life-long friend Anita. She told me that she loved me and that I was not alone. We laughed and I cried (a lot) and after two hours I said to myself, “Yes, you can do this.”
I do not know anyone that is not struggling right now. Maybe it is a collective consciousness of the world before transformation. Maybe it is simply a challenging time to be alive on this earth. But as Prime Minister Motley would say, my brothers and sisters, we are in this together.