I had a hard time making a video to accompany this blog post. I am sad after driving a good friend to the airport who was an integral part of my expat experience here. I know that he will be back to Barbados again. He loves it as much as I do.
It can be difficult living in a transient place with people coming and going. I get attached to some of them and it is hard to say goodbye. So difficult that it causes me to wonder why I do it.
The beautiful thing is that I have found community here. Most of us expats don’t have family here and our friends are in our home countries. We turn to each other for support. My closest friends here I have known for less than a year. Let me be clear, that these are not acquaintances, but true friendships. Sure, we have surfed, laughed, and partied together. We have also cried, talked about the future, and big decisions.
Keelan and James were one of the first to leave and the hardest for me to say goodbye.
Dany and Kev left before the lockdowns last year, but they have since returned for a visit
Vanessa was here for a short time but touched Kate and I deeply. We saw her just last week via Zoom from Toronto.
How is it possible for it to be so hard to say goodbye to someone that you have known for so little time? How can the bonds be this way after such a short time? For me, it comes down to three ingredients:
- Curiosity – What can I learn about you and where you come from? How can we help each other form our views of the world?
- Adventure – My group of friends here are especially adventurous by nature of moving country in the middle of the pandemic. Although, we continue to ask each other what are you curious about seeing and doing? What are your passions and how will these play out in your future adventures?
- Living in the Moment – We know that most likely we will leave this place at some point. Yet, we throw out whole selves into the moment as though it will never end. This takes a vulnerability that many are not willing to commit.
It doesn’t take moving to a foreign country to find these. If these elements are present, these bonds can be made at home.
When I was eighteen, I entered university and lived in residences at Wilfrid Laurier University in Waterloo. The girls on my residence floor had no idea what we were doing but turned to each other for support. Heather, one of my close university friends, has been the only person to fare the pandemic to visit me in Barbados. This is a life-long bond. [Please note that I know it has been difficult to travel in the pandemic, which is why I haven’t left the island. This does not blame others for not traveling here, and furthers my point about the thirty-year bond between Heather and I.]
Heather and I after our surf lesson with Bodie at Freights Bay.
Whenever Jamie and I were out, people would say to me, “Your husband/boyfriend is so good looking!” Then they would quiz me about why he was not my boyfriend. Maybe they couldn’t wrap their head around a male and female being friends. More likely, it is the closeness of our friendship that shone through.
Jamie and I at his going away party, as the sun sets on Pebbles beach on the south coast.
Kate, the South Africans, Erin and Darren, to name a few of my friends, are still here. I am going to be with them in this sliver of time in Barbados. I will continue to cherish them as my expat community. #gratitude
With Lorena and Kate on the water at Drill Hall, chatting while we wait for the next set.
My question to you:
When have you been in a sliver of time, in the moment, that has allowed you to form a community and a bond that you know will always be with you?
Thanks for sharing Sheri. It saddens me how such few people understand the importance of community and friendship and the role it plays in their life. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, intellectually, etc.
Hey Stuart, I think that the pandemic really hit that home for some people. In Canada, the places that I had lived had gotten away from community. Most of us don’t know who our neighbors are. But I remember throwing yeast over the fence to my back neighbor in exchange for oats, neither of which you could find at the store at the height of the pandemic. Those little things felt good and I know that I will continue to build community wherever I go. It could be that people need an opportunity to feel it, in order to seek community.
Hi Sheri,
Isn’t it amazing how people, no matter how short a time we know them, become family. I think you may have had a taste of my experience when you visited me in Chiangmai and the mountain villages. Veerachai Court became a second home during my years in Thailand. Although not everyone in our eclectic group had the same interests there was a bond that drew us together. A familiarity and sense of home that even the most adventurous seek when faced with long term, new and unfamiliar spaces. The further I went into unknown adventures the more precious my small space and friends at Veerachai became. After coming out of stays in refugee camps I remember lying with my face covered in sweet smelling sheets gulping in the familiar. And, rushing to be with the friends I cherish on the soi, Trish and Gary and, Emil and Sophie, and others that became my family in Chiangmai.
Foreign languages, expectations and habits test our sense of adaptability and opens us to be more acceptance of the quirks and differences even in those of us who speak the same language. Cultures and expectations among same language people come with their own challenges and I found that long lasting friendship also come from people who do not speak the same language.
In many ways mountain villages became even more of a home to me. Kindness and curiosity is a language of its own. The more unfamiliar the experience the more my other senses sharpened to meet, accept and learn from the unknown. One might think that the opportunities I brought with me for the children in the villages is the reason for the overwhelming welcomes I receive but I know it was more than this. It was the opportunity for my friends in the villages to learn from me and in return for me to learn from them. It was in the laughter and tears of our misunderstandings, and the patience of our ignorances of cultures that our friendships grew into what they are to this day. It was the not understanding and being OK with it that drew us together because we learned that over time we would understand the things that were important. Differences and curiosity can create the strangest of bedfellows. I know that if I walked into any of the homes of my mountain friends I would be greeted as a family member, a friend. A member of the family that contributed to the well-being of all, because that’s what family/friends do.
We are all trying to find our ways in this world and when the experiences that create true friendship arrive I hang on for dear life. They are few and far between but last a lifetime!
Coleen, You have always been able to speak and write beautifully about your time in Thailand. Extending my stay in Chaing Mai was the first time that I have ever decided to stay in a place…in one place. The old me would have taken the additional week to jet set around and see how many more sites I could experience in the country. But I was intrigued by your community at Veerachai, and the notion of being in a foreign country for the community and not for the travel. Of course, it was beautiful visiting the mountains with you and the Karen communities. That was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. But I realized that I am curious by nature but not a nomad. I also understood that international aid and living in remote areas would not be my calling. So much learnt on that trip and the gateway to the idea of finding a new home and community in the “winter.” I am eternally grateful for that experience.
Hi Sheri — I believe that part of community building IS vulnerability mixed with joy and a common purpose. Thank you for sharing this — and yes, our university community formed that deep bond of “being away” and I am so grateful that you and I have maintained and STRENGTHENED that bond in the years since. I love you so much and it’s a testament to your open heart how close you get to people in a short time (and I do the same). Love you very much
Yes Heather, that’s it! It is the vulnerability that allows us to bond. To say, I am away from home and I don’t know what I am doing and I need you. But also the joy that says, you bring a light to my life and although I am going to be sad when you leave, I am so grateful for the time we spend together. Love you to the moon and back.